It Unravels

I remember being in the hospital without my husband. I did not find out until months later that he was planning on divorcing me. A lot of things made since when I found that out months later. He was not with me in the hospital, but a few times and not for very long. I was in heart failure and the possibility of losing Matthew and he would get tired of waiting for the doctor to come by and leave. I remember thinking, must be nice that you don’t have to sit here and wait. He never called or pickup our first son "T" (5yrs) at my sister’s house. He was suppose to be going to work, but when I called he was not there. I am extremely lucky I have a brother/wife and sister/husband that live here as well. One of them was always there. My sister-in-law is in the medical field so she always tried to be there when the doctor came in. That week in the hospital actually went by really quick. With my heart problems I was always being checked on by interns, test ran, sonograms of Matthew, my heart, my legs. I didn’t know they could do sonograms on your whole body! I was really woozy because when you heart fails everything in your body slows down. It was hard to keep my eyes open or talk. I was retaining fluid and the meds they gave me for that caused migraines! I felt like I was slurring every word that came out of my mouth. I wasn’t going to talk about this part since it is more about my marriage, but it all ties into what I went through and I have found I really need to get it out. I know my family really doesn’t know all that happened to my marriage during that time. And no we did not get a divorce due to Matthew’s death. It was a decision my husband (unknown to me) had made before that. I will say that after we lost Matthew he did try to be there for me. It was hard for him because he doesn’t show emotion easily. We lost Matthew Nov 2001 and by March 2002 I new I couldn’t go on anymore and that something was not right. That is when I found out he wanted a divorce. Then I also had to deal with knowing I was not going to be able to give T a little brother/sister. At least not anytime soon. I was 30yrs old and I figured by the time I met someone new, get married, then got pregnant, I would have a high risk pregnancy. By then, age would be a facter and at that time I already new I would have to have surgery at 14 weeks to have a cerclage (they sew the cervix shut) and then I would be on bed rest until I was due. I also can not have ANYTHING to stop contractions if I go into labor early. I also have trouble with my circulation when I lay down too long . I don’t think I want to go through all the stress. I wanted to get pregnant right away, but then everything just exploded. I didn’t know what to do, but stand up and fight!