Dear Matthew

As I held you in my arms
my eyes filled up with tears.
For I knew God’s Angels
had come for you my dear.
As I asked God to help me
except the path you were to take.
Those tears poured down my
cheeks and oh how I ached.

How I miss you my son
and wish you were here.
To cuddle to hold and
whisper in your ear.
For I never heard you cry
or got to see you smile.
But at least I got to hold you
if only for a little while.

I go and sit by your grave and
tell you about your brother.
He was so looking forward
to bringing home his baby brother.
He was going to protect you
tease you and love you.
Now instead of holding you
he holds your teddy bear.

My tears still fall for you and
my empty arms still ache for you.
I look at pictures of you and I smile
I hold your blanket and I cry.
I just can’t seem to say good-bye.

Love,
Mommy

Nov 18, 2001

Helpful Information

The was helpful information from the March of Dimes site what do I say?

The Help

I lived with the crotcheted blanket (the hospital wrapped Matthew in when he passed away) and the tiny little stuffed animal dog (that my sister-in-law gave me). I wrapped the dog in that blanket and had it with me all the time. I would go to Matthews grave and lay a coat down and lay right with him and cry. I didn’t care who saw me, I just felt close to him when I was there. I would visit his grave all the time. I would even go there on my lunch hour (I worked really close). For years my son and I would talk about what Matthew would be doing if he was still alive. Like just starting to crawl and getting into all of T’s stuff. When he would start to walk and follow T everywhere! It really helped us get through it. I took an empty box and we covered it with some cool wrapping paper. It was Matthew’s box. T would draw pictures and write letters to Matthew and put it in there. It was his box for his thoughts. It really helped. I did go in it when he wasn’t there, just to make sure he was handling everything all right. I did ask him if I could see what was in there and he showed me. T was 5yrs at the time his brother died. T wanted to go to the funeral home to see Matthew. I had no idea if that was what I should do, but I went with what my son needed and he obviously need to see his brother. Everything happened so fast in the hospital he did not get to see him. I feel guilty now for not having someone get him out of school and bringing him to the hospital, I thought it would be too much for him. Now I know I should have let him. I took pictures of T by his brother’s casket. At first I thought that was kind of a weird thing to do, but I am very glad I did it. T did not get to hold his brother, but he got to see and touch him and he has pictures with him. Do what feels right to you. Sometimes I would like “oh my gosh is someone going to think this is morbid?” I think it is so important for people around us to get information and inform themselves with what we are going through. I was not into the computer age when I lost Matthew. I used the computer for email and IM, but I was not a big “google” “search the internet” person. There is so much out there and I think it is wonderful! I find the message boards a little confusing though. It is hard to follow. I read the stories, but I don’t see much on what the person is feeling at the time or what they are struggling with in the moment. They ask for any advice, but that is kind of broad. If they could put down what they are going through at that time (because it changes) then others that have been through it can better help them. When I lost Matthew my sister and sister-in-law both went out to “interview” funeral homes and see which one was best. I love them for that, because we sure were not up to doing that. I didn’t even want to think about it. They came back with all the info and the one they thought was best. T wanted to have a party for Matthews first birthday. So I had my immediate family over and we had pizza and a small cake with a #1 candle on it. We even sang Happy Birthday to Matthew. I received cards from family and friends letting me know they remembered! I was thankful for my family being there for us (I was separated at the time). The hardest time was the 2nd year. No one said anything. It was like “2yrs had gone by and all was forgotten.” That was such a really hard time!

Rambling Emotions

I thought I was going to lose it if I heard the word “sorry” one more time. At the time I wanted to scream and wish people would just shut up. Now that I look back I know it wasn’t the word that bothered me, but the fact that I just heard it so very much. I remember thinking I was such a horrible person, because I could not look at a pregnant woman and be happy for her. I did not wish her or her baby harm, but I just wished they would vanish. In my support group I found out that every woman in there felt that way at one time. I always wondered why my Matthew couldn’t be a Miracle Baby! If it wasn’t for my son T I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed. My husband (I am now divorced) went to work very early, so it was up to me to get T to daycare, where he would take the bus to school. Then I would go back home to bed. I had a best friend I could call any time day/night (and I did). I loved that she was always 100% honest with me (that’s one reason she stays my best friend). When I said “it’s not fair” she said “your right it isn’t.” When I said “I feel like I will never get through this” she said “it will get harder before it gets better.” She would come over, unannounced and sit on my couch. One time I was in my robe and had just gotten out of the shower. I said “I need to finish getting dressed.” She said “oh it can wait I am here now.” I think she was just making sure I was up and out of bed. I didn’t even have to talk. We watched T.V. made some small chit chat and off she would go. But she got me up out of bed and my mind going. I love her to pieces and so does my whole family! I found what I needed at the time was someone to listen and not necessarily give me advice or to say something to make me feel better, but someone I could just throw everything out there in the open and get it out of me. I had private counseling and went to a support group and I was also put on antidepressants. I did not want any meds because I didn’t want to count on meds to get me through something. Then the physiatrist explained that it was not forever it was just to help me function better so that I could deal with what I was going through. I know when someone would come up to me and say “I have no idea what you are going through and I feel like sorry just isn’t enough to say, but I am sorry for your loss” the fact that they were honest with me actually made me feel better. Its been almost 7yrs since I have lost Matthew and I can’t remember the year I started feeling happy for those parents who’s babies have made it through premature birth. Yes it took years for me to be able to read an article without crying. Now it makes me happy to read about it and it’s only a small ache in my heart for Matthew.

Memories

This is the top of the box the hospital decorated. It had Matthew's items in it.

This is most of the items that were in the box.

This is an Angel bear my aunt gave me. The hat is one Matthew wore while he was in the NICU.

The blanket you see was what they wrapped Matthew in when we disconnected him from the machines. The dog is what my sister-in-law bought me. It reminded her of Matthew so small and reminded her of their beagles, which I adore. The blanket & dog stayed with me for months! They brought me so much comfort. The blanket was made by "Afghans For Angels." The card that comes with it says:

I am an "Angel Afghan" with a very special call.

I was made with loving hands to cradle the deceased so small.

Wrap me around God's child so small, while their parents say goodbye.

Then give me to them to have and hold and sometimes even cry.

A picture of everything.

Beginning Thoughts

I remember my mother wanting to come down while I was in the hospital. I told her to wait, because I had my siblings and their family and my friends. I told her no matter what happens I think I will need you more later. Matthew might have to be in NICU for quit a while and I would need her help with T. So no matter how badly she wanted to come she waited (she had a babysitting business). To this day I feel so bad about not letting them keep Matthew on the ventilator so his brother T could hold him. The HARDEST part of the whole experience was coming home and telling T that his brother had died. When we did he cried and said “it’s not fair, I didn’t get to hold him and you did.” That one sentence breaks my heart to this day. T did get to see Matthew at the funeral home and I took pictures of him by the open casket.

Also all the items we put in with Matthew. Pictures T drew for Matthew. A pic of Me T and his dad. A teddy bear T won at a fiar for him. A bible that my best friend Archie and T gave us.

We also have pictures of Matthew in the hospital. T was very clingy to me after this, because we dropped him off at my sister’s and he only say us 2x during that week. I didn’t know what my husband was going through at the time (didn’t know he was thinking about a divorce), but he was not at the hospital and he never went to see T or pick him up and take him home (I won’t go into my marriage/divorce). Within a 3 year span, T lost his great grandfather (more of a grandfather no “great” involved) Feb. 13, 2001 (yes that was Matthew’s due date in 2002). Then he lost his brother Nov. 2, 2001. Then his parents told him they were getting a divorce March 2002. Then he had to move to a new home/school and things did not go great with our seperation/divorce. His cat he had all his life died from medical complication. Then his great grandmother died. It was a very tough 3 years for him! We were both in counseling. Yes I went on antidepressants and would do it again in a heart beat! T is now 12yrs old and doing great!

Hopital Moments

The day we lost Matthew, November 2, 2001, my family was there. Local: my sister/husband, my brother/wife, and my closest friends Tané/Archie. North Carolina: my aunt and my cousin. I remember loving to hold Matthew. They tell you that at ANYTIME I can buzz them and let them know I want to hold him and they would go get him for me. When my family members arrived, I remember thinking “why would they want to hold a dead baby." That sounds harsh referring to Matthew that way, but that is exactly what I thought. I was his mother so that was different and I had never been on either side of the fence in a situation like this. I let everyone know that they were going to bring Matthew in and if anyone did not want to hold him or needed to leave the room that I truly understood and they would not hurt my feeling. Everyone in my family held him and talked to him. My aunt asked if it was all right if she sat in the rocking chair and sang to him, because that is what she dreamed of doing. That touches my heart to this day that she asked me if it was okay.
I do wish I would have thought of getting pictures of everyone holding Matthew, but just didn’t think about it at the time. The hospital staff was wonderful. I stayed on the maternity ward until I went home. They said I could move to a different floor, but I new I would get more attention on this floor and I was still recovery from my heart failure (by the way no after effects from that. Me and my heart or great.) I think it was definitely the right decision for me. They put me at the end of the hall and had a note on my door so all staff knew I had lost Matthew.

Matthew's Birth

Well in 2001 I got the good news that I was pregnant with my second child, Matthew. My first son (I will call him T) had just turned 5yrs old and would be starting Kindergarten that year. Matthew was due February 13, 2002. 8 weeks 5 days old
I remember at only 3 months feeling like I was carrying him really low, like he was going to fall out. I thought that was odd considering he wasn’t that big and 3 months. The nurse just told me it was probably just because it was my second child and I had been “stretched” the first time around. It turned out I have an incompetent cervix. Definition: During pregnancy, as the baby grows and gets heavier, it presses on the cervix. This pressure may cause the cervix to start to open before the baby is ready to be born. This condition is called incompetent cervix or weakened cervix, and it may lead to a miscarriage or premature delivery. To this day I wish I had been more pushy about it, maybe if I had the doctors could have figured out what it was sooner and I could have gone on bed rest and prevented losing Matthew, but then there is no going back and doing over. So forward I moved. I do look back and have all the confidence in my doctor and his staff. It’s just all the “what ifs” that I went through.
October 25, 2001 I took my son to his school fair and I remember feeling a lot of pressure. I went to the restroom to pee and I was bleeding a little. I finished taking him around the fair, because I wasn’t too worried, I bled my whole pregnancy with T, they believed it was a blood vessel that just kept popping. It was just like spotting and they took a lot of ultrasounds through out my pregnancy to make sure everything was fine. When we got home I laid down and the pressure wouldn’t go away. Short story: called the doctor, dropped my son off at my sister’s, and headed for the hospital. Once there they hooked me up and I didn’t have any contractions so they sent me home. I took a shower and felt something weird down in “that area.” Turned out it was the placenta. Went back to the hospital and that is when everything started. To make a long week short, I ended up going into labor, the meds they gave me to stop the contracts put me into heart failure. They couldn’t do a cerclage (they sew the cervix shut) because there was one section of my cervix that didn’t have enough section to sew. I was in the hospital for a week and when I went into heart failure they kept me in maternity, because they said I would be monitored more closely than if they sent me up to ICU. Matthew was born on the day I hit 26 weeks. He was 1lb 10oz and 13 ¼” long. He was hooked up to the ventilator, but his sats kept dropping and they had to hand vent him. There was bleeding on his brain. It can be a stage 1 to 4 and he was a stage 3. That is when we decided to remove him from the machines. They said they could keep him ventilated until we got T there or any other family member. To me this was just for my husband and me (and T). I wanted T there, but I couldn’t keep Matthew on the ventilator, because in my heart he was suffering and I couldn’t see it go on anymore. So my husband and I decided to disconnect him from all the machines. I will say the NICU was awesome. I held him while they disconnected everything and Matthew past away in my arms.

The Start

I have decide to dedicate this blog to my son Matthew. I miss you everyday. Your brother and I still talk about you and take your things out to look at every now and then. When I first lost Matthew I attended groups with other parents who lost their babies. The one thing that struck me hard was that there were groups, books, and help for parents who were going through it, but nothing for friends, family, and associates who are there and want to help. What do you do or say? My hope is that this page will some how help those out their who are at a loss on how to help. Hopefully I will get comments from other mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents...ect that might shed some light on what they went through and how we all can help in the future. I feel very strongly about opening this door and trying to offer another way for those to share. Please ask ANY questions you want. I am not shy and I never mind talking about Matthew. THIS IS NOT A SITE FOR RIGHT AND WRONGS. PLEASE remember that everyone grieves and works through things in their own way. This is not so much as a place to make suggestions, but to share your experience and maybe someone might find hope that they are not alone. When I say a loss of a baby I mean miscarriages too. I don't care if you were 7 weeks pregnant or 4 months pregnant. In the group I attended I learned that people who had a miscarriage early on didn't think they should be in the same group as someone who gave birth to a baby and then loss them. All of us in the group strongly agreed that it was not so! We all feel the loss of dreams. So I will end this post and start the next one with my story.