Rambling Emotions

I thought I was going to lose it if I heard the word “sorry” one more time. At the time I wanted to scream and wish people would just shut up. Now that I look back I know it wasn’t the word that bothered me, but the fact that I just heard it so very much. I remember thinking I was such a horrible person, because I could not look at a pregnant woman and be happy for her. I did not wish her or her baby harm, but I just wished they would vanish. In my support group I found out that every woman in there felt that way at one time. I always wondered why my Matthew couldn’t be a Miracle Baby! If it wasn’t for my son T I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed. My husband (I am now divorced) went to work very early, so it was up to me to get T to daycare, where he would take the bus to school. Then I would go back home to bed. I had a best friend I could call any time day/night (and I did). I loved that she was always 100% honest with me (that’s one reason she stays my best friend). When I said “it’s not fair” she said “your right it isn’t.” When I said “I feel like I will never get through this” she said “it will get harder before it gets better.” She would come over, unannounced and sit on my couch. One time I was in my robe and had just gotten out of the shower. I said “I need to finish getting dressed.” She said “oh it can wait I am here now.” I think she was just making sure I was up and out of bed. I didn’t even have to talk. We watched T.V. made some small chit chat and off she would go. But she got me up out of bed and my mind going. I love her to pieces and so does my whole family! I found what I needed at the time was someone to listen and not necessarily give me advice or to say something to make me feel better, but someone I could just throw everything out there in the open and get it out of me. I had private counseling and went to a support group and I was also put on antidepressants. I did not want any meds because I didn’t want to count on meds to get me through something. Then the physiatrist explained that it was not forever it was just to help me function better so that I could deal with what I was going through. I know when someone would come up to me and say “I have no idea what you are going through and I feel like sorry just isn’t enough to say, but I am sorry for your loss” the fact that they were honest with me actually made me feel better. Its been almost 7yrs since I have lost Matthew and I can’t remember the year I started feeling happy for those parents who’s babies have made it through premature birth. Yes it took years for me to be able to read an article without crying. Now it makes me happy to read about it and it’s only a small ache in my heart for Matthew.