The Help

I lived with the crotcheted blanket (the hospital wrapped Matthew in when he passed away) and the tiny little stuffed animal dog (that my sister-in-law gave me). I wrapped the dog in that blanket and had it with me all the time. I would go to Matthews grave and lay a coat down and lay right with him and cry. I didn’t care who saw me, I just felt close to him when I was there. I would visit his grave all the time. I would even go there on my lunch hour (I worked really close). For years my son and I would talk about what Matthew would be doing if he was still alive. Like just starting to crawl and getting into all of T’s stuff. When he would start to walk and follow T everywhere! It really helped us get through it. I took an empty box and we covered it with some cool wrapping paper. It was Matthew’s box. T would draw pictures and write letters to Matthew and put it in there. It was his box for his thoughts. It really helped. I did go in it when he wasn’t there, just to make sure he was handling everything all right. I did ask him if I could see what was in there and he showed me. T was 5yrs at the time his brother died. T wanted to go to the funeral home to see Matthew. I had no idea if that was what I should do, but I went with what my son needed and he obviously need to see his brother. Everything happened so fast in the hospital he did not get to see him. I feel guilty now for not having someone get him out of school and bringing him to the hospital, I thought it would be too much for him. Now I know I should have let him. I took pictures of T by his brother’s casket. At first I thought that was kind of a weird thing to do, but I am very glad I did it. T did not get to hold his brother, but he got to see and touch him and he has pictures with him. Do what feels right to you. Sometimes I would like “oh my gosh is someone going to think this is morbid?” I think it is so important for people around us to get information and inform themselves with what we are going through. I was not into the computer age when I lost Matthew. I used the computer for email and IM, but I was not a big “google” “search the internet” person. There is so much out there and I think it is wonderful! I find the message boards a little confusing though. It is hard to follow. I read the stories, but I don’t see much on what the person is feeling at the time or what they are struggling with in the moment. They ask for any advice, but that is kind of broad. If they could put down what they are going through at that time (because it changes) then others that have been through it can better help them. When I lost Matthew my sister and sister-in-law both went out to “interview” funeral homes and see which one was best. I love them for that, because we sure were not up to doing that. I didn’t even want to think about it. They came back with all the info and the one they thought was best. T wanted to have a party for Matthews first birthday. So I had my immediate family over and we had pizza and a small cake with a #1 candle on it. We even sang Happy Birthday to Matthew. I received cards from family and friends letting me know they remembered! I was thankful for my family being there for us (I was separated at the time). The hardest time was the 2nd year. No one said anything. It was like “2yrs had gone by and all was forgotten.” That was such a really hard time!