Beginning Thoughts

I remember my mother wanting to come down while I was in the hospital. I told her to wait, because I had my siblings and their family and my friends. I told her no matter what happens I think I will need you more later. Matthew might have to be in NICU for quit a while and I would need her help with T. So no matter how badly she wanted to come she waited (she had a babysitting business). To this day I feel so bad about not letting them keep Matthew on the ventilator so his brother T could hold him. The HARDEST part of the whole experience was coming home and telling T that his brother had died. When we did he cried and said “it’s not fair, I didn’t get to hold him and you did.” That one sentence breaks my heart to this day. T did get to see Matthew at the funeral home and I took pictures of him by the open casket.

Also all the items we put in with Matthew. Pictures T drew for Matthew. A pic of Me T and his dad. A teddy bear T won at a fiar for him. A bible that my best friend Archie and T gave us.

We also have pictures of Matthew in the hospital. T was very clingy to me after this, because we dropped him off at my sister’s and he only say us 2x during that week. I didn’t know what my husband was going through at the time (didn’t know he was thinking about a divorce), but he was not at the hospital and he never went to see T or pick him up and take him home (I won’t go into my marriage/divorce). Within a 3 year span, T lost his great grandfather (more of a grandfather no “great” involved) Feb. 13, 2001 (yes that was Matthew’s due date in 2002). Then he lost his brother Nov. 2, 2001. Then his parents told him they were getting a divorce March 2002. Then he had to move to a new home/school and things did not go great with our seperation/divorce. His cat he had all his life died from medical complication. Then his great grandmother died. It was a very tough 3 years for him! We were both in counseling. Yes I went on antidepressants and would do it again in a heart beat! T is now 12yrs old and doing great!